The Institute of Public Affairs, the right-wing teabagger ‘think tank’ that graces us with its presence, has come up with a set of ‘Radical Agenda Items’ to ‘transform Australia’. These make perfect sense from the perspective of the parallel universe of tooth fairies and unicorns in which the IPA operates. However, the reality is that some of these ideas are simply wacko, and I’ll henceforth dissect the most bizarre ones, tongue-in-cheek of course.
#1 Repeal the carbon tax; #3 Abolish the Clean Energy Fund; #6 Repeal the renewable energy target; #10 Withdraw from the Kyoto Protocol
The notion of human-induced climate change is a left-wing conspiracy by around 95% of the world’s scientists to deindustrialise the Western world, so absolutely nothing needs to be done about it. Basic economic theories such as negative externalities are just a myth. Rather, we should continue pumping toxic fossil fuels into our atmosphere at unsustainable rates with no regard to the welfare of future generations, because that’s the common sense thing to do. Usually I wouldn’t want to take a risk with the future of our planet, but I’ll be damned if I allow peer-reviewed scientific facts to get in the way of my ideology.
#5 Abandon Australia's bid for a seat on the United Nations Security Council
Too late on that one amigos, we’ve already won a seat on the Council, which so happens to be the most important decision-making committee within the world’s foremost multilateral institution, dealing with matters of international peace and security. Now Australia can play a key role in establishing a true One World Government, just as Orwell would have wanted. Goodness help us all.
#9 Abolish the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission
Consumers should not be protected from uncompetitive practices. The altruism of large, often foreign-owned, corporations is enough to ensure a fair go for Australian consumers and small businesses. I totally don’t mind corporations potentially forming monopolies, but no way will I allow a statutory body of a democratically-elected parliament protect the citizens’ best interests.
#19 Abandon the paid parental leave scheme
Measures to increase productivity (you know, the thing that leads to more economic growth and prosperity) and allow parents with newborn children to look after them (unless it’s a super-baby that can nurture itself) should be gotten rid of forever. This is an example of Socialist social-engineering masquerading as ‘pro-family policy’ and should be stopped.
#20 Means-test Medicare
Universal medical care shouldn't be available to all, no. That would be evil socialism, which is what that North Korean guy with a funny-looking haircut believes in.
#23 End mandatory disclosures on political donations
Measures to minimise corruption and ensure accountability by our political leaders? Nahhhh. All good mate. Major corporations such as mining and tobacco companies, very nobly, only have the long-term interest and wellbeing of the Australian people at heart, despite never being elected by anyone, so there’s no need for us mere commoners to be aware of who is lobbying our politicians. I know that for a fact – their public relations officer told me, while they handed me many thousands of dollars to do their bidding (but don’t tell anyone, it’s our little secret).
#26 Remove anti-dumping laws
We should allow unfair trade practices to harm Australian industries, destroy true competition and create an uneven playing field. That would be completely in the spirit of the free market.
#29 Eliminate the National Preventative Health Agency
Preventing serious illnesses before they happen? That would be infringing on the civil liberties of the illnesses, so they should be allowed to occur no matter the damage they cause to people. Tackling obesity, reducing smoking rates and discouraging harmful alcohol abuse are stupid ideas anyway.
#52 Reduce the size of the public service from current levels of more than 260,000 to at least the 2001 low of 212,784
Well, the thought of sacking around 50,000 people actually gets me pretty excited. Said no one ever. Unless you work for the IPA.
#53 Repeal the Fair Work Act
Orwellian-named, any legislation to ensure that Australians are treated fairly (cringe, there’s awful that word again) at work is detrimental to a free society. Workers are just objects to be controlled; they don’t need a decent wage, penalty rates or a safe place to work. They are robots with no emotion, so why support them in any way? I mean, who do these people think they are, that they have the gall to demand decent treatment? Why start a class war, they should already know their place in society! As multi-billionaire Gina Rinehart says, there are Africans willing to work for only a few dollars a day, so we are actually being more moral than we need to be. Too much morality is a bad thing for humanity.
#62 End all public subsidies to sport and the arts; 63 Privatise the Australian Institute of Sport
No, funding for arts programs, which celebrate our identity, enrich our culture and unite us, is an infringement on my civil liberties and I demand it be stopped! Australians don’t care much for sport either, or the health and wellbeing benefits it brings to society. We don’t really care about winning The Ashes and winning a gold medal at the Olympics is totally overrated. The free market says so.
#69 Immediately halt construction of the National Broadband Network and privatise any sections that have already been built
Nation-building projects such as superfast broadband systems are not the role of governments. Australian businesses shouldn't have strong infrastructural foundations on which to compete in the global market, and people in regional areas should have to suffer the tyranny of distance when accessing basic services such as healthcare and education, being the second-class citizens they are.
An internet system run by hamsters in wheels would suit us just fine; then again, it is the 20th Century isn't it? With the ACCC abolished, service providers would be free to establish a monopoly and charge us well above a fair, market rate, so screw the little guy.
#70 End all government funded Nanny State advertising
All those Nanny State advertisements, particularly those that promote Occupational Health and Safety to prevent long-term injuries, encourage people to stop smoking to ensure longer, happier and healthier lives, and those aimed at reducing the road death toll by warning people about the dangers of speeding and drink-driving should all be removed. I don’t need some evil Government Operative in a white suit and a clipboard creating propaganda to control my life. If I want to drive while drunk and possibly cause serious damage, even death, to another person, then that’s my fundamental right and shouldn't be discouraged from doing so.
#72 Privatise the CSIRO
Encouraging Australian scientific excellence in key areas such as agriculture, water, environmental sustainability, energy efficiency and health and wellbeing is just plain stupid. I don’t see any public benefit in that at all, whatsoever. Enough said.
#73 Defund Harmony Day
Social cohesion is overrated. Efforts to promote trust and understanding among people of different faiths and cultures – so that we can all live in harmony and respect – should be stopped. Rather, instances such as the Cronulla Riots and racism on public transport are simply signs of a free and equal people demonstrating their liberties and participating in civic life. How dare the government try to make us all get along and be friends. If I want to raise my kids to be hateful, intolerant racists then I will very well do so!
#74 Close the Office for Youth
Young people are unimportant. They are lazy, apathetic and shouldn’t be invested in. Who cares if youth want to start annoying initiatives such as ones aimed at fostering Reconciliation with our Indigenous brothers and sisters, ending homelessness and assisting fellow young people with mental health issues? It’s just all a waste of public money and society reaps no benefits from young people taking charge of their own destiny.
Well well well. Talk about a positive, visionary plan for Australia’s future peace, prosperity and social cohesion in a rapidly changing world. A staggering 41 ideas – over half the total – in this anarcho-capitalist rant begin with either one of the following words: repeal; end; abandon; abolish; eliminate; cease; close; reject; defund; halt; slash or force. Good to see they learnt how to use a thesaurus during their education. Credit is thus due to Australia’s longstanding policy to provide free, universal education to our young people, which is without doubt one of the great legacies of our Communist, class-warrior ancestors.
These ideas certainly are transformational, it you wish for Australia to become an individualistic, selfish society rather than a caring, compassionate one where the most vulnerable are looked after and everybody gets a good start in life.
Australia doesn't need the IPA’s ‘transformation’ any more than we need greater inequality, civil strife and political unrest. Fortunately the Australian people are balanced, fair-thinking and sincere, so the IPA’s Flat Earth ideas won’t ever become public policy. Thank goodness for Socialist social-engineering.
I do think, however, that Australia needs teabaggers like the IPA. As the saying goes, ‘a laugh a day keeps the doctor away’. The IPA’s foot-stomping and thumb-sucking whenever they think the big bad government boogyman is out to get them is indeed good comic relief in this draconian Nanny State we live in.